The Four Horsemen are four communication patterns identified by relationship researcher Dr John Gottman that are strongly associated with relationship distress and breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
By recognising these patterns early, before they become habitual, can give couples an opportunity to change the way they communicate, repair conflict and strengthen their emotional connection.
This guide from Ros Yuen Psychology, a Gottman Method therapist based in Adelaide, explores what each of the Four Horsemen can look like in everyday interactions, how these patterns can escalate over time, and how to recognise them before they become entrenched in your relationship.
What Are the Four Horsemen in Relationships?
The First Horseman: Criticism
The Second Horseman: Contempt
The Third Horseman: Defensiveness
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
How the Four Horsemen Tend to Escalate
How to Recognise the Four Horsemen Early
The Antidotes to the Four Horsemen
Frequently Asked Questions
Get Support for Your Relationship
The Four Horsemen in Relationships in Summary
- The Four Horsemen are four communication patterns identified by Dr John Gottman that are strongly associated with relationship distress and breakdown.
- Criticism focuses on a partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behaviour or issue. Contempt communicates disrespect, disgust or superiority and is considered the most damaging of the four.
- Defensiveness is a strategy to protect oneself by shifting blame back onto a partner rather than acknowledging their concern, and Stonewalling involves withdrawing from the interaction by disengaging.
- Research from the Gottman Institute has found these patterns follow a predictable pattern, with criticism often creating an opening for the other communication patterns to emerge.
- Each horseman has a corresponding antidote, such as a gentle start-up for criticism and physiological self-soothing for stonewalling, that can help couples interrupt these patterns.
- Noticing these patterns early gives couples a chance to shift them, with or without the support from a Gottman Method trained therapist.
What Are the Four Horsemen in Relationships?
The Four Horsemen is a term coined by Dr John Gottman, who studied thousands of couples over several decades to identify the communication patterns most linked to relationship breakdown. The name draws on the biblical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, using the metaphor to describe destructive patterns that can signal serious trouble in a relationship. According to Gottman’s research, the presence of these four patterns during conflict predict divorce with over 90 percent accuracy in long-term studies. The four patterns are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each of these patterns will be explored below.
The First Horseman: Criticism
Criticism involves attacking a partner’s character or personality rather than addressing a specific behaviour or issue. It often includes phrases such as “you always” or “you never”, turning a complaint about something that happened into a judgement about your partner’s character.
There is a significant difference between a complaint and a criticism. Saying, “I felt frustrated when you were late tonight” raises a specific concern and focuses on the behaviour. In contrast, “You’re always so inconsiderate” makes a judgement about the person. Criticism causes a partner to feel attacked and to become defensive, resulting in a breakdown in emotional connection as both partners create protective walls around themselves.
Criticism is also communicated through more than just words. Tone of voice, abruptness, posture, gestures, facial expressions, eye contact—or the absence of it—can all convey a critical message. At times, these non-verbal signals can communicate criticism even more powerfully than the words themselves.
The Second Horseman: Contempt
Contempt involves communicating disgust, disrespect or superiority towards a partner, through sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, name-calling or belittling comments. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is observed to be the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown.
Contempt can be subtle or overt. It may involve mimicking a partner in a mocking tone, dismissive body language, or comments that belittle a partner’s feelings or efforts. Over time, contempt erodes the respect, warmth, and sense of safety that are essential to a healthy relationship.
The Third Horseman: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a way of protecting yourself from a perceived or realtime criticism, often by shifting blame back onto a partner and/or refusing to take any accountability. It commonly shows up as counter-complaining, whining, making excuses, or responding to a concern with a complaint of your own.
While defensiveness is a natural response to feeling criticised, it tends to escalate conflict rather than resolve it. It signals to a partner that their concern has not been heard, which can prompt them to intensify their efforts to be heard. The criticism-defensiveness attack-defend pairing dance can rapidly spiral the conflict to being out of control.
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from an interaction entirely, shutting down, going quiet, or physically leaving rather than continuing to engage. It is usually a response to feeling overwhelmed rather than a deliberate attempt to punish a partner. Nonetheless, the stonewalling partner activates a sense of abandonment in the other partner.
Gottman’s research shows that stonewalling is linked to a state of physiological flooding, where the body’s safety to stress response takes over despite the person’s willpower or intention. When this happens, it can be genuinely difficult to think clearly, regulate emotions, listen, or engage in a calm and constructive conversation. This is not simply a matter of willpower or choosing to communicate better—the nervous system needs time to settle before meaningful conversation is possible.
In these moments, taking a break can be more helpful than pushing through the conversation. Stepping away to self-soothe and allowing time to calm down can create the conditions for both partners to return to the discussion and continue it more constructively. However, this must be accompanied by a commitment to return and reconnect is essential.
How the Four Horsemen Tend to Escalate
The Four Horsemen rarely appear in isolation. Instead, they can form a cycle in which one communication pattern triggers another, gradually escalating conflict and making it harder for couples to resolve the issue at hand.
For example, one partner may raise a complaint as a criticism, prompting the other partner to respond defensively. The exchange can then escalate into an argument in which neither person feels heard and the original issue remains unresolved. When this sequence is repeated, the frustrated partner may become increasingly critical, while repeated defensiveness can contribute to feelings of resentment and, over time, contempt. The other partner may eventually withdraw or stonewall, in an attempt to prevent the conflict from becoming even more heated.
Understanding this sequence is important because recognising the early stages of the pattern presents an opportunity to interrupt it. Noticing increasing criticism, defensiveness, or withdrawal before these responses become entrenched can help couples interrupt the direction of a conflict in real time. With awareness and a willingness to respond differently, couples can begin to interrupt the cycle rather than becoming caught in the same pattern each time they disagree.
‘The Four Horsemen rarely show up as a single dramatic moment. It’s usually a small pattern that repeats until it feels normal, which is exactly why noticing it early matters so much. Couples who come in while they’re still curious about what’s happening, rather than certain the relationship is doomed, tend to have the most capacity to work with.’
– Ros Yuen, Psychologist, Schema Therapist & Family Therapist
How to Recognise the Four Horsemen Early
Recognising these patterns in your own relationship is easier when you know what to look for during everyday disagreements, rather than only during major conflicts:
- Notice whether disagreements focus on specific issues or turn into broader statements about character
- Pay attention to tone and body language, including sarcasm, eye-rolling, or dismissiveness
- Notice if concerns are regularly met with counter-complaints rather than acknowledgement
- Watch for a partner going quiet or physically withdrawing during difficult conversations
- Reflect on whether these patterns happen occasionally or have become a regular way of communicating
The Antidotes to the Four Horsemen
The Gottman Institute pairs each of the Four Horsemen with a corresponding antidote, a communication approach that may help interrupt the pattern before it becomes entrenched. These are general communication skills rather than a substitute for professional support where patterns feel established.
- The antidote to criticism is a gentle start-up, raising an issue by describing a specific situation and a need, rather than attacking character
- The antidote to contempt is building a habit of noticing and expressing heartfelt appreciation for a partner, rather than focusing on what is going wrong
- The antidote to defensiveness is taking some responsibility for your part in a conflict, even a small part, rather than shifting blame entirely
- The antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing, taking a break to calm down before returning to the conversation
Frequently Asked Questions
Which of the Four Horsemen is considered the most damaging?
Contempt is generally considered the most damaging of the Four Horsemen, since it communicates a sense of superiority and disrespect towards a partner rather than simple frustration. The Gottman Institute has identified it as the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown among the four patterns.
Does noticing one of the Four Horsemen occasionally mean a relationship is in trouble?
Not necessarily. Most couples display one or more of these patterns from time to time, particularly during stressful periods, and an occasional instance is different to a regular, entrenched way of communicating.
Can the Four Horsemen be reversed once they appear in a relationship?
Many couples are able to shift these patterns over time, particularly with support to build new communication habits and address the underlying issues driving the behaviour. Change requires consistent practice rather than a single conversation.
Is the Four Horsemen model used in couples therapy?
Yes, the Four Horsemen framework forms part of the Gottman Method, an approach used in couples therapy to help partners recognise unhelpful patterns and build healthier ways of managing conflict. It is one of several tools used alongside a broader assessment of a relationship.
Can I address the Four Horsemen without seeing a therapist?
Some couples are able to notice these patterns and start shifting them using the antidotes above, particularly when the patterns occur occasionally. Where these behaviours have become a regular occurrence, working with a therapist trained in the Gottman Method can offer additional structure and support.
Get Support for Your Relationship
If you are noticing these patterns showing up regularly in your relationship, it can help to have support in understanding what is driving them, rather than trying to untangle them alone in the middle of an argument. Recognising a pattern is one thing, but changing it usually takes practice, a bit of structure, and someone who can help you both stay accountable to new ways of communicating.
Couples counselling with a Gottman Method trained therapist gives you a space to work through these patterns together, at a pace that suits your relationship, whether that means addressing an issue that has just started to show up or working through something more established.
This content is provided for general information purposes only and is not a substitute for personalised professional advice. Individual needs and conditions vary. Please consult a qualified practitioner to discuss a treatment plan suited to your situation.
