Having a healthy, strong connection we can rely on is just one of the goals of any relationship. But, life can make building and maintaining that connection difficult. So what steps can you take to reinforce the intimate bond between you and your partner?
Gottman’s Sound Relationship House theory could offer the guidance you need. In this article, we’ll break down this house theory, level by level, so you can understand how it can help you.
For personalised advice, contact our team and book an appointment at Ros Yuen Psychology today.
Starting at the Beginning
Doctor John Gottman is a professor and psychologist. He has worked with couples to understand their relationships and the challenges they face for many years. With his in-depth experience and research, he has proposed various theories to help couples get the guidance they need.
In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he proposed the theory that a strong partnership is similar to a house. This is called the Sound Relationship House theory. The theory is that by understanding what constitutes the pillars and flooring of your ‘house’ you can better maintain it. This allows couples to strengthen their ‘home’, therefore strengthening their connection.
The Sound Relationship House
The Sound Relationship House is divided into different levels. It has seven ‘floors’ and two foundational ‘pillars’ that hold the flooring up. Here, we’ll break down each level so you and your partner can understand how to build your own ‘relationship house.’
The Pillars
Before we break down each level, we should first address the two foundational pillars. One represents TRUST, while the other represents COMMITMENT. Without these pillars, regardless of how many ‘floors’ you have, your relationship won’t have the strength to stand on its own.
Build Love Maps
‘Build love maps’ represents the first floor of the house. This is about understanding your partner, and what they love, hate or need. With this understanding, you can build a ‘map’ to help guide and strengthen your connection to each other. You are strengthening this floor by staying curious and interested in your partner and remembering what matters to him/her, in the past and currently.
Share Fondness and Admiration
The second level is about sharing what you love and admire about each other. If you care for someone, it’s important to let them know why and how. This can help you feel closer to your partner and more secure in your relationship. This is where appreciation makes a difference. This is where your partner experiences him/herself as ‘being seen’ and ‘accepted’ for who they are, so much so that they want ‘to belong’ in the relationship with you as a secure base and a safe haven.
Turn Towards
The next important level is about recognising when your partner is asking for, or needs, support. These ‘bids of connection’ are small, subtle or indirect, are attempts to connect, and can be dismissed, ignored, rejected or acknowledged and accepted. This is the first step to emotional attunement and when you can recognise this and meet them where they are, you are strengthening the relationship and creating an antidote to being neglectful. According to John and Julie Gottman, ‘turning towards’ your partner’s bids for connection, even when you don’t feel like it, is crucial for a relationship to thrive. Turning towards will require effort in a busy lifestyle or when there is too much competing stimuli.
The Positive Perspective
A positive perspective means trying to see the best in our partners. If they’ve made a small mistake, try to avoid seeing it as an attack or other negative behaviour. Allowing your partner grace can help you both avoid petty arguments and strife.
Manage Conflict
Being able to manage a conflict as a team is crucial. Be aware of your partner’s feelings and try to work together where possible. Take the time to give yourself space if you need it, and try to come back with a cooler head.
Make Life Dreams Come True
This level is where you should be trying to support each other to achieve life goals. It’s important to do what we can to feel fulfilled in life, whether that be pursuing a dream job, schooling or even a holiday. Having your partner back you up with these goals is crucial to a strong relationship.
Create Shared Meaning
The final level is a reflection of the first level. However, instead of building maps as an individual, you build a map of your relationship. Understand what it is that brings you together and what activities you can do together to strengthen your connection. In other words, you can articulate what you stand for as a couple. What is your dharma?
Does The Sound Relationship House Theory Work?
Every relationship is unique. However, Dr. Gottman spent years researching couples to understand what the keys to a stronger relationship were. With that information, he built the Sound Relationship House theory. Ultimately, it offers guidance you can follow to deepen your understanding of your partner. With this, you can improve your connection and move forward together.
Build a Home That Lasts
Are you not sure how to use this theory in your relationship? At Ros Yuen Psychology our trained staff understand Gottman’s theory and can use his methods to support your relationship.
We can offer tailored guidance, along with strategies, to help strengthen your connection. Reach out to our team today to learn more and book an appointment.
