All relationships face difficulties at one point or another. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, 30% of marriages end in divorce. For the quarter of divorced brides and grooms who are remarrying for a second time, 60% are likely to end in divorce. For most of us, marriage is an important decision, filled with hope, anticipation and apprehension. Marriage is also a risky enterprise with a high failure rate.
Couples counselling has been shown to assist many people in relationships with a broad variety of challenges or concerns. However, couples counselling is hard work and there are no guarantees but it is worthwhile investing the time to find out if your marriage can be improved.
The telltale signs that you and your partner may benefit from couples counselling include:
- Nastiness and escalating conflict
- Loneliness and feeling emotionally dismissed
- Walking on eggshells
- Unequal decision making and things feeling unfair in the division of household chores
- Falling out of love: “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
- Trust issues such as doubting that you can rely on your partner having your back.
- ‘Sexual intimacy is practically non-existent, there is a lack of desire, and/or it’s rarely talked about
- Abuse, infidelity and addictions
- Disagreements over finances, career demands.
A well-trained couples psychologist will develop a deep understanding of you and your partner and help you shift unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. At Ros Yuen Psychology, I will work with you in a safe and supportive environment to identify your issues and provide you with a way forward.
What is Couples Counselling?
Most people do not differentiate between couples counselling and couples therapy and my practice is not to burden the distressed couple with semantics but to make that assessment during the first intake session.
In brief, if the request is to focus on one matter only, then it is couples counselling and can be completed in six sessions or less. However, in most cases, couples ask to explore their current problems with the intent of resolving longstanding dysfunctional patterns and this process is more correctly called couples therapy. The average duration of couples therapy is 12 sessions. As you can see, these two types of care overlap significantly because a couple may present with a specific issue which then generalises to other patterns of dysfunctional behaviours. The two terms are commonly used interchangeably.
Couples therapy is a deeper process aimed at exploring the roots of the current problems with the intent of resolving the dysfunctional patterns of interaction. It involves addressing the emotional damage that has been inflicted by helping individual partners understand themselves and their own needs. Then they will be coached to ask the other partner for what they want and how to be gracious in their responses.
Couples counselling may help with a range of issues and concerns, such as:
- Poor communication that may lead to difficulties such as misunderstandings, sadness, anger, withdrawal, and conflict.
- Minimal or lack of intimacy.
- Decreased emotional connection.
- Infidelity.
- Parenting concerns.
- Stress and anxiety caused by financial concerns.
- Substance abuse.
- Significant life decisions, such as a marriage, buying a house, or having children.
At Ros Yuen Psychology, I combine the Gottman Method, the Emotionally Focussed Therapy and Schema Therapy tailored to your couple relationship presentation. These approaches are all evidence-based.
What Does Couple Counselling Involve?
Like other forms of talk therapy, couples counselling aims to relieve people’s distress and improve their functioning. However, unlike other forms of talk therapy, there are typically three parties in the room in addition to the psychologist. There are the two partners and there is the relationship itself and each has its own needs. The task of the psychologist is to balance all three needs. It is not unusual for one partner to want therapy more than the other or is more hopeful than the other.
Couples counselling aims to bring partners closer together or to end a relationship skillfully. By resolving dilemmas and impasses, partners learn ways to regulating their negative feelings, have compassion for the other and hopefully, rekindle the feelings that originally attracted them to each other. According to John Gottman, there are three focal points in couple counselling: deescalate conflict, rebuild the couple friendship and to rebuild intimacy. Treatment usually begins with deescalating conflict. Rebuilding friendship and intimacy will take many more sessions.
The psychologist will ask many questions including some questions about each partner’s family of origin experiences. As clinicians, we do not take sides and will highlight individual behaviours that contribute to joint problems. At Ros Yuen Psychology, I allow 2 sessions for intake. In the first session, I seek to understand the relationship, the nature of the issue that brought you and your partner to therapy and to allow you to assess if our interpersonal styles can work together for the benefit of the relationship. In the second session, I may seek to get to know you both as individuals and your family of origin learnings on relationships that you have. If you choose to do couple therapy, my understanding of your values and beliefs and their origins is crucial to our success.
At Ros Yuen Psychology, talk therapy will be supported by assessments, questionnaires, skill building and regular progress evaluation. You will be required to practice at home the insights, behaviour and problem-solving skills gained in therapy. Therefore, the success of couples counselling depends on the partners’ level of motivation.
While couples counselling is beneficial at any point, timing is an essential element in whether marriage counselling will work. Unfortunately, most couples wait too long to reach out for help. According to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. Sometimes, the build up of resentment can be too ingrained for counselling to be effective.
For some couples, there is a poor fit between the therapist and couple and if either one or both partners do not feel adequately understood, this can negatively impact progress.
At Ros Yuen Psychology, one of the approaches towards couples counselling that I take involves the incorporation of the Gottman Method. This model was created by Dr. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman and is based on research and experience to help you strengthen your relationship by understanding better ways to deal with issues such as conflict, disconnect, and decreased respect.
Who is Couples Counselling For?
There are many reasons why you may be considering couples counselling. You could be facing a specific issue, looking for ways to strengthen your relationship, or want to avoid difficulties arising. By using the Gottman Method, I can help you identify factors that are causing issues and help you work through your concerns.
5 signs that may indicate you could benefit from couples counselling include:
1. Inadequate Communication
Strong and open communication is crucial to a healthy relationship and is an aspect I can assist you with. Poor communication can lead to issues such as feeling misunderstood or unappreciated, withdrawal from interactions, defensiveness, conflict, or depression.
Communication is a central element in the Gottman Method. During your sessions, you can learn and incorporate strategies and skills that encourage sharing needs, concerns, desires, and thoughts in a non-confrontational manner, understanding your partner’s point of view, and active listening,
2. Unresolved or Persistent Conflict
It is normal to have disagreements from time to time. However, when conflict remains unresolved, concerns are not attended to, and meaningful engagement does not occur, relationship problems can develop.
The Gottman Method provides strategies that you can use to promote productive communication that enables you to settle conflict when it arises. By recognising your similarities, differences, goals, and needs, you and your partner can work together to resolve conflict to have smoother and more effective interactions.
3. Decreased Intimacy
Intimacy can involve both emotional and physical connection. If you and your partner have become disconnected from one another, this may be displayed in a wide variety of ways. I can work with you to strengthen these aspects and find ways to reconnect.
If emotional intimacy is an issue, there may be difficulties involving:
- Feeling understood, loved, safe, or respected.
- Being able to share feelings and vulnerabilities.
- Supporting each other during challenging times.
- Feeling satisfied within the relationship.
- Non-verbal connection and communication.
If physical intimacy is an issue, there may be difficulties involving:
- Non-sexual affection and touch.
- Sexual closeness.
- Non-verbal connection and communication.
4. Problematic Behavioural Patterns
The Gottman Method identifies four behaviours that can arise in relationships and may contribute to problems and challenges. These include:
- Criticism.
- Contempt.
- Defensiveness.
- Stonewalling.
Understanding these behaviours and how they affect your relationship and learning strategies to help you improve these patterns can be highly beneficial.
5. Feeling Unhappy, Unheard, or Resentful
Spending significant amounts of time with someone, attempting to fulfill and accommodate both people’s goals and desires, and making significant life decisions together can be difficult for all couples. Navigating these factors in an open-minded, supportive, clear, and productive way while maintaining your satisfaction with the relationship and outcomes can be easier when strong tools and strategies are in place. I can help you to understand and incorporate the best ways to work through these aspects together.
Build A Strong Relationship With Couple Counselling
If you are looking to improve or strengthen your relationship, please contact me to organise an initial consultation. I am highly qualified and experienced and can work with you to identify your challenges and create a personalised plan to help you towards your target outcomes.
